An unhappy relationship or a happy loneliness?
An unhappy relationship or a happy loneliness?
Get up, stand up, don’t give up the fight (Bob Marley)
Why am I not able to enjoy a delicious, juicy hamburger without processing new questions? Of course I am not, because I have a to start asking a lot of new questions when I hear the words coming out from my friend’s mouth right through to my face about how she delays going home every day by extending the daily chores in the office without realizing that she is doing it on purpose. Here I go with my questions, and of course directing them only to myself. The reason why is my beloved friend is sitting right in front of me with tapped ears and totally determined to not hear the words coming out of her own mouth. She tells me how much she enjoys her work, how she wants to spend more time in the office. On the other hand, all I hear is how she avoids going home. The most annoying part of this is the fact that even her ears are plugged and even she chooses the correct words to put it in some fancy self-motivated, career addicted persons’ willingness, somehow unconsciously she is aware of the situation. So why can I see that clearly? Because I see my self-reflection of ten years ago. I went through the same paths, I measured what was coming out of my mouth so that I could convince myself and those around me. To what? To the fact that I was in a very happy relationship even if I was not that happy at that moment, I had been happy sometimes and that brought me to where I am now, so I had to be content. Yes, I am aware that this is a very sensitive topic, so let’s dig it a bit more. I’m just out from the office on my way home, walking on the road, doing a brief assessment of the whole day, while listening to my songs playing in my ear with the joy of being all alone and taking my steps as slowly as possible. I’m enjoying my loneliness till the last drop. And then I start thinking, maybe I forgot to send an e-mail, or did I do this task or today, or some other task that I forget which will get me right back to the office? Anyway, I sadly realize that there is nothing urgent to get me back to office tonight. What about to spend some time with a friend. We’d eat, maybe even have a couple of beers after so I could get to bed right away as soon as I went home and I fell asleep. While I’m thinking all of these possibilities, I see that the bus that I took to get home arrives at my station and I face my vanishing smile off my lips. Like I do every day. Because this is the easiest way to go, which is the most chosen one. Although the tasks and responsibilities at home require this. Then I hear myself in the deepest of my mind shouting “I do not want to go home, I do not want to enter this house, is that not possible?” where the other me tries desperately to repress this loud one by claiming “what the people will say, what your family will say if you leave now”. I see clearly how one’s conscience and taboos can beat her own logic. And I ask again: Why? We all find ourselves sometimes down under some pits in our lives. We don’t choose to fall down there, but the walking path we’ve chosen can be downhill and we can roll down without being aware of it. I also found me at the rock bottom of a pit at that time and it took three years for me to realize where I was. Most of the time we try to ignore our unhappiness or not care how unhappy we are with our lives and just continue our daily routines. It’s easy to watch the days flowing away instead of living it. I know because I’ve let my days and years passed just like that for a very long time. There was this time where I did not even smile anymore. I was just showing my smiley face to convince the people that I was OK.
I have this picture of mine from my high school graduation. I often sit in front of this photo and envy the way how deeply and sincerely happy I was and telling myself I would never be able to laugh like this again. Because in that photo, not only my lips are laughing, but also my eyes and every inch of my face are shining with happiness. In front of that my younger self-reflection, there is the older me pitying myself among my taboos and responsibilities.
After those 3 years, that blessed day I remember sitting in front of my beautiful screen/best friend on my desk staring at me I had this flashlight in my brain “Hey mate! Why are you consider yourself to be destined to live this life? Since when do you believe in faith or destiny? Or when did you start caring on other people’s thoughts or what they say about you, are they living this life for you? Do they decide how you should live? Stand up and shake up! It’s never too late to start all over again if you want to!” I am not sure if it was a moment of enlightenment or I had it enough and it was the time to take any action, I just know that at that moment I was finally out of my pit and saw my poor self standing down there. I was in a relationship of which’s due date was already expired, which in there was no sharings anymore. The only communication was hi’s and byes and some more sentences caused by living in the same apartment. Both parts were trying to avoid having any conversation otherwise we both were aware that any conversation would have led to an unpleasant discussion. Nevertheless, we both decided to stay in the relationship.
It has been enough for me to stand up and shake to see the possibility of being happy on my own and to be able to smile again as I smiled in that picture of mine. I’ve always known that it was not easy to break the routines off, to get rid off the habits and to start all over again. In fact most of the time we find the perfect justifications or suitable reasons so that we avoid to start all over. My family will be devastated, Oh my God do I need to explain myself to someone new from the beginning, I am sure other people having similar or worse problems in their relationships, he/she might not be perfect so what no one is perfect, if I get divorced the people will judge me, I have a kid I don’t have the right to put him/her through this… I can go on and on forever, let’s shoot the worse one out then: He/she will change, eventually….
What about these questions: does my family care about me or my relationship status? If my family cares about my relationship status because of some social taboo instead of my happiness then do I need to put them first or myself? Is it too hard to explain me to someone new or it is harder to try to fix something again and again which is already broken million times before? Isn’t it enough to be not happy in the relationship with that person or do we really need to have huge problems like to be with an addict or abuser to decide to get out of that relationship? Do we really need to care about what other people think of us? Will my kid be happier with two unhappy parents in the same apartment or with two happy parents living separately? Honestly, I don’t think people ever change and I personally don’t have the time and effort to try to change people. We are all growing up somehow and we become the person we are, some good, well some not that good and some are good in their own way not compatible with the others.
I choose not to lose time with taboos, hypothesis, social pressures and laziness. I prefer to be happy with myself instead of being with someone who doesn’t make me happy. I choose to be courageous enough to start over instead of being content with what I already have. I choose to be happy by listening just to myself instead of listening to people’s unfair judgements that I can’t control. I hope we always choose our happiness.